This last week has been a swirl of good fortune for myself and the people around me, I have been waiting for the crash of destiny and reality to befall me. Jan is finally working again and just like all the rest of us civilians, she has found that all jobs have issues and drawbacks, not the rosy picture she had in mind. Kids are doing wonderful in school with the unexpected suprise of my 17 year old being move into 12th grade. Job is doing ok, slow nights but money is still good and even got a few side job to pay cash in advance. My sisters son placed 4th seed in state tennis champs (all very proud) and I have been a swirl of activity.

Just one unexpected thing....A woman whom I am deeply in love with, and she knows it, whom caused grief and turmoil in my life, popped back up. She and I have had a history of issues mostly caused by the fact we are both married and we never did anything about this. We both know we are Ying and Yang, but it has only caused us to have fights and more issues and after our last clash in which she deeply hurt me, I swore never to go there again.

Easier said than done. I havent seen her except for once for all of 15 minutes, since December 10th. I Had stopped talking to her online and on the phone since Febuary. Suddenly she calls me out of the blue and asks why she hasnt heard from me, then tonight she was at my sisters (they were good friends, but my sis hadnt seen her since January either), she said hi and I didnt respond, mostly because I wa so stunned, their were a swirl of thoughts in my head, but nothing came to my mouth.

I dont have rose covered glasses, I know who she is, I know what she did to me, she is OK but she is not the most attractive person I have ever known. I can say she is a self centered selfish bitch and know I am stating the truth, and I know she has a problem with keeping her pants on around young good looking guys. So I should have no interest in her right? Way wrong. I saw her and heard her and all I could think of is how lonely my life has been without her, and how I miss the way she would argue with me and try to make me see things the way she did, and how much she cared for me and helped me when no one else would, and how she and I did everything together, and that when she made me angry she let me alone to go burn it off and think it over. And all the little things too, like making me eat becuase she was worried I was gettng to thin, and siting with me when she knew I was in pain. And so much more.

Tonight after I got home, she was online, she thought I was mad she went to my sisters because I didnt say anything and left so quick, I wasnt, and she suggested she wanted to help me with some work I am doing for my sister, I dont know how to react to all this, friends will tell me its the past leave it there, my sister will shoot me in the ass if I start seeing her again, although she is the first to say she would stay out of it because she knows the feeling is mutual, we just both have problems elswhere in our lives that have caused us both grief.

So should I give her another chance to hurt me? Should we give the people we are deeply connected to a second chance after they have ripped our hearts out and stomped them in the mud? My mind says no fucking way but my heart says yes, which do I listen to?

Anyhow I am off to bed, work to do and things to think about. Before I go though I have to admit this about this woman. She is in my mind first thing in the morning and last at night, and that hasnt changed a bit through this all, and even though I have not had physial contact with her in months, I feel her presense in my mind all the time.

Hugs,

Pat