Havent been myself lately
I havent really blogged much lately, This is unusuall as I usually blog once a week at least, not to mention musical posts and the quiz posts, and just getting on line and having some fun.

I have had some personnal issues I had to deal with recently and all though its just part of life and there is almost always something that has to be dealt with I just sort of got a deludge of things all at once. Time is my enemy, it rolls by so fast that I put my head down to use 5 minutes of it and boom 3 hrs is gone.

I had to begin liquidating the assets of y business, his s way more complicated than it seems, when you have $30,000 in inventory and $40,000 in specialized assets stored away in a storage unit, and there is not a local demand for it.....wow...the things you do and the pain of loss you indure.

I spent 5 days transporting some of the larger items like book shelves and magazine racks to the Auction house 28 miles away using my truck and a trailor that was 6x8. It took a lot of trips and time and labor to do this, not to mention it cost me $285 to use the trailer and $80 in fuel, and then because it rained the day of the Auction all my stuff sold for $180 dollars. This cost me $1200 to buy same items at auction 2 years ago so it was a ittle dissapointing but at thesame time I am relived to be free of them.

I had a litte better luck with books, I sold 1/2 truck full, about 200 books, for $550 to my friend in Brunswick and she is interested in buying more later, I have 3-4 people who have asked to look at the food service equipment whom are willingto pay fair market value and what ever they pass onmy friend Arnaldo will sell on cosignment.

In mean time a couple other friends have been helping me by selling smaller items like dishes and such at yard sales, and I have stored some items away for possibly needing them myself.

In the mean time the last 3 weeks I have been working 6 days a week 48 hrs average at Pizza hut, plus I have been doing more work on my 5linx hoping to land the big accts., and it didnt help I had some personal issues with friends, so time has been very hard to find.

Most of all my home life has been sucking me dry. Janice and I continue to have issues and one minute everything seems peaceful and healing between us and the next it is insane. I had to do that thing I had not anted to do but knew I needed to do for myself yesterday, I opened a bank acct. in my own name. We have been together for 2 decades and financially joined at the hip for most of that. When we first sarted having strain she hit me where it hurt the worst cell phone, kids and finances.

Although I have resolved the issue of the phone, and when she drags kid into our problems I do the wise thing and walk, she has continued to kick me in the financial gonads for 9 months. Our latest financial fight as that she said I didnt make enough money and needed to get another job and that she made more. I showedher that she is making $440 take home each week, to my $300 plus $400 in tips each week. She told me she never sees it and I noted that my direct deposit went straight to her and that on average week I give her $200 of my tips $20-$50 each day. She doesnt see it that way. So starting yesterday all the py will go to my acct. and I will deposit my tips as well and when she needs money I will right her out a cheak. Also everytime she want money for bills I will ask to see the bill first.

Our problems have very little to do with money, it is only the crutch she has decieded to use as her tool to show her anger at me. At the core of it the big problem is that we are both changing and want different things. Although the attorney and Judge were right when they said a divorce will do nothing for us as we are permently and severly joined, I am aware that at some point soon we will need to seperate our lives.

When I look at her these days I see someone whom I still feel dearly for but have little in common with her. I am older, but she looks 10-15 years older than me. She wants the house to be her assylum and I want to be out in the world. She wants 2-3 good friends and I want to have 200-300. She wants to play bridge, I want to race cars, ect.

The only real common ground we have is our children, we both want them to have everything and we want them to be happy, and we re both so proud of them.

Sometimes I wish I could take a time machine and go back to that time when we both started to become so different, but if I did what would I do? I like me and I like my life and she seems to be happy with herself so what would I change? Is it possible that its meant to be this way? How is it 2 people can go so long together, start off with so much in common and end up with nothing to talk about?

No matter what I will never regret being together all this time, but I dont like to fight with her, especially over BS, and I long to be myself without critical comments about what I do and whom I associate with. If we had all the money she wants, would it change anything? I doubt it. If she were to wake up this morning and say "wow, I understand and agree with your phylisophical beliefs" would that change anything? Probably not.

So I sit her with the knowledge that once I have resolved the business matters I will need to resolve our personal matters as well, so we can both have the oppertunity to be happy in our lives. Divorce? Whats the point? Seperation? Well that makes more sense. Yet I feel very bad about it, its not like either one of us has done anything wrong, we are just two people going in opposite dirrections.

She is an awsome woman, she is always so full of suprises, and I have to admit she is the 9 on my scale, Tall, dark haired, intellegent, good physical shape, nurturing, independent, soportive and never dull. If not me, I so hope she finds someone who appreciates it, and I hope I find a 9 whom is Pagan, socially active, rocks and loves life.

Well that will be the end of this blog. I will try and hit the blog button more in next few weeks. Love you all and hope your days are awsome.

This last week has been a swirl of good fortune for myself and the people around me, I have been waiting for the crash of destiny and reality to befall me. Jan is finally working again and just like all the rest of us civilians, she has found that all jobs have issues and drawbacks, not the rosy picture she had in mind. Kids are doing wonderful in school with the unexpected suprise of my 17 year old being move into 12th grade. Job is doing ok, slow nights but money is still good and even got a few side job to pay cash in advance. My sisters son placed 4th seed in state tennis champs (all very proud) and I have been a swirl of activity.

Just one unexpected thing....A woman whom I am deeply in love with, and she knows it, whom caused grief and turmoil in my life, popped back up. She and I have had a history of issues mostly caused by the fact we are both married and we never did anything about this. We both know we are Ying and Yang, but it has only caused us to have fights and more issues and after our last clash in which she deeply hurt me, I swore never to go there again.

Easier said than done. I havent seen her except for once for all of 15 minutes, since December 10th. I Had stopped talking to her online and on the phone since Febuary. Suddenly she calls me out of the blue and asks why she hasnt heard from me, then tonight she was at my sisters (they were good friends, but my sis hadnt seen her since January either), she said hi and I didnt respond, mostly because I wa so stunned, their were a swirl of thoughts in my head, but nothing came to my mouth.

I dont have rose covered glasses, I know who she is, I know what she did to me, she is OK but she is not the most attractive person I have ever known. I can say she is a self centered selfish bitch and know I am stating the truth, and I know she has a problem with keeping her pants on around young good looking guys. So I should have no interest in her right? Way wrong. I saw her and heard her and all I could think of is how lonely my life has been without her, and how I miss the way she would argue with me and try to make me see things the way she did, and how much she cared for me and helped me when no one else would, and how she and I did everything together, and that when she made me angry she let me alone to go burn it off and think it over. And all the little things too, like making me eat becuase she was worried I was gettng to thin, and siting with me when she knew I was in pain. And so much more.

Tonight after I got home, she was online, she thought I was mad she went to my sisters because I didnt say anything and left so quick, I wasnt, and she suggested she wanted to help me with some work I am doing for my sister, I dont know how to react to all this, friends will tell me its the past leave it there, my sister will shoot me in the ass if I start seeing her again, although she is the first to say she would stay out of it because she knows the feeling is mutual, we just both have problems elswhere in our lives that have caused us both grief.

So should I give her another chance to hurt me? Should we give the people we are deeply connected to a second chance after they have ripped our hearts out and stomped them in the mud? My mind says no fucking way but my heart says yes, which do I listen to?

Anyhow I am off to bed, work to do and things to think about. Before I go though I have to admit this about this woman. She is in my mind first thing in the morning and last at night, and that hasnt changed a bit through this all, and even though I have not had physial contact with her in months, I feel her presense in my mind all the time.

Hugs,

Pat 

   

Wow what a working 10 days this has been. I workd my regular 8 hrs every night on the delivery job. I spent 6 hrs per day for 3 days laying tile and 6 hrs for 3 days of painting with oil based paint. I had to start moving by assets from the coffee shop into new storage space, I am about 1/2 done and uggg not loking forward to the rest f it. It has been up at 8am and run run run untll 1 am each day 

I so want to just run off to Mexico some days, fnd a nice privae beach and go into seclusion, sleep all day, well ok 1/2, and play all night. Oh well at least that dream is alive in my head untill I die, and you never know, I just may do that someday.

Talked with my sister Kelley this week, it always helps when I am feeling the blues, she can really perk me up. Kelley is a single mother with 3 terrific teenagers, and she is so much like me sometimes its scarry. She is alo working way to hard to make ends meet. I have to make a mental note that when I finally snap, I have to kidnap her and take her wih me to Mexico, we can drink our Pina Coladas together and watch the tide come in. She will be pissed with me for about first day, but I know after first night she will say "wow, why didnt w do this befor?"

Bright side is a read ther news on MSN that the government is finely recognizing the right of Wiccan Veterens to have pentacle on their grave markers this is fantastic, I guess its about time for me to see if they will allow me to burn drift wood and scream at  the moon while running skyclad on a US military instillation, probably not but the full moon is only a short time off and I am certainly going to give it some thought, if not I guess I will continue to drive 20 miles in the middle of the night to a private beach.

Anyhow its a short blog but I will keep blogging. Love all of you, and remember things always get better just give it some time and patiance.

Blessed Be

Pat

foo fighters



Add to My Profile | More Videos

I know yesterday was Monday but I am celebrating it two days in a row, just because it turned out to be such a good day.

Jan was offered not one job but two back to back, she is off negotiating them right now. I am not excited because it means more money in our household but because it will give her something to do and make her feel like a productive person again. Also she finally heard back from her VA disability, she is going to appeal it because one of her issues, namely her high blood pressure which contributed to her other issues is controlled by meds, but they still gave her a thumbs up and she will get paid for her military related issues.

I also managed to get to see not one but three major realestste brokers to show them the benifits of VOIP and one looks like a firm sale, this will be a big plus for my business. I also made almost $160 in tips last night which was awsome because wasnt really that busy, just everything seemed to fall in place.

I am excited about this week, even enthusiastic about court with my former partner on Thursday. Hopefully her attoney talked some sence to her this week during our continuance, if not I will bury her. I am so done with her crazyness, and I have been trying to be a nice guy about it but enough is enough and I can have the SBA resolve all the issues in 2 weeks. Neither one of us will be happy with their resolution to the problem, but it will be over with and I can move on wihout wondering what she will sue me for next. (She still has not asked to suit me for leaving toilet seat up)

I hope everyone out there has a good week.